Welcome, or fuck you, depending.
I'm not here to tell you how many calories you can burn roller skating, I'm here to incite and entertain.
Take me or leave me.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

And the Winner is...!

Okay, I've dragged this out long enough!

THE WINNING ENTRY IS THE FO SHWIVEL! (Submitted by Sheri Mahlke).

Let me tell you why I love this entry. In case you are not hip to the jive, it is based off the slang term "Fo Shizzle" as in, "Fo Shizzle My Nizzle" popularized by the rap superstar Snoop Dogg. For those who do not know, Snoop Dogg is from Long Beach California. Long Beach is the home of Moxi Rollerskates. These are the reasons that factored into my choice.


Circle Jerks: By Shakira Glover because we’re definitely a couple of jerks
Spin Cycle: By Heidi Garman because it feels like we’re in a washing machine
Sista Twista: By Diane Elias, for being the first to win my mini contest of guessing the winner.

I loved many of the names, and so many were just so clever that I had to mention a few of my favorites.


Ring around the Moxis: By Jessica Manual-Lofton for using the word Moxi
Auntie Gravitational Pull: By Stacey BCubed Duvall for using my name
The Smoothie Maker: By Killer Bee Killed because we like the imagery it evokes
Tossing the Salad: By Pia Mess – makes me think of puking!
Japanese Ninja Bears: By Jumbo Jett becaue it was the weirdest one
Vomit Comet: By Anita Nother
The Royal Flush (because toilet bowl was too crude): By Keren Lowell (we go the other direction in Australia)
Whirling Girlish: By Richard Simmons because I think it’s clever

There were some R rated names that I felt were good enough to win but we wanted to keep it G rated, so my favorite risqué entries are as follows:

2 Fukuyup: By Dawnell Wickespeedia Smith- I’m not sure why I like this name so much but I do. Also, my roller derby name was almost Speedy GoneLawless, (as in Speedy Gonzales) and her name reminds me of it!

The Whoretex: By Frankie Rogers. I love this name, it’s just so fucking crass. But Estro wasn’t down.

Me and Pigeon doing the Fo Shwivel outside of Moxi.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Vote for DumpTruck!

If you all don't know who Dump Truck is you really should.

 He's from Mississippi and got his start emceeing and announcing for Roller Derby over half a decade ago. He is known for his crazy antics and "willingness to do just about anything". If you don't recognize him from his crazy costumes and sparkly unitards, you will surely recognize his distinct voice. One of the main announcers for DNN and podcasters for Derby Deeds his voice is one of the most, (dare I say it?) THE MOST well known voice in roller derby. He can also be heard on the Jam City Rollergirls video game. I first met Dump Truck when he announced for Long Beach's second season game opener. (The night was epic! Not only was it the season opener and the league's first banked track game, but Dump Truck was on the mic and Blade and Quadzilla were in attendance to guest coach. Read about it here).

But I'm really here to show you HIS AWESOME NEW EMCEE PAGE and encourage you to vote for it on about.me . You see, if he wins, he gets a billboard in Times Square. And promotion of roller derby anywhere is promotion of roller derby everywhere! (Unless you're the Bay Bombers.) In other words, if he wins, we all win. So you should vote!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Just some funny Rollercon quotes

Found in the stairwell

 That’s about the best tittie fuck you’re gona get with me: a sharpie and an A cup.

She’s like the Meg Whitman of Rollercon! She paid all that money and didn’t step through the doors once.

Oh, so you’re taking your boobs down to the pool?

Auntie Social: “Hey Commissioner, What’s up!”
Jerry Seltzer: “Oh just me, every time I see you”

Come on, what professional sporting event has someone in a vagina costume?

Next year for Rollercon, I’m going to grow my bush out really long and put an afro pick in it.

She’s a DREAMBOAT. (Trust me, it was funny).

“Um…Hello? there’s a LINE.” “I’m not cutting, I’m taking the stairs bitch, I’m young and my legs work”.

I just texted him, I wrote on that guy’s facebook wall, and I tried to add this other guy. Wait, shit. I’M A ROLLER HO!

Auntie Social, you’re not funny! STOP!  [Paraphrased.] -Tweeted by Rollercon*

*(Everything else was said by me except the Dreamboat quote).

Friday, August 12, 2011

Rollercon made me think…Banked or Flat Track?

There’s a lot of other shit to write about or say regarding Rollercon 2011 but the most pertinent topic and the one I felt most compelled to write about first, was the main differences between banked and flat track roller derby. I have wanted to discuss this topic at length before, but watching derby in Vegas really re-energized my desire to write about it.

First of all, I’m sorry, but banked track roller derby is just way more fun to watch. Of COURSE flat track roller derby is still awesome. Especially when you’re watching the caliber of talent that you see at Rollercon. But there is just something about a banked track that has a more “event” style feel. And gosh, I suppose I take for granted just how awesome a venue the Spruce Goose Dome in Long Beach really is. With the banked track, bleachers, and stage lighting, it creates a professional arena atmosphere. 

But here I must interject that the beautiful thing about flat track roller derby is you can play it anywhere. Flat track roller derby has made the sport accessible to literally millions of people, so I will not deny its positive attributes. It has brought the sport I love to women all over the world, and that’s an amazing thing. But banked track roller derby is the future.

Okay, so- Long Beach sort of has its own rule set so I cannot speak for all banked track derby, just what I know. But the biggest difference about our style roller derby is:

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Sunday, August 7, 2011

The contest is closed! Plus, every name submitted, ever!

The Name That Trick contest for the Moxi Rollerskates is NOW CLOSED!

But here are all the names submitted for the trick, thanks for entering!

[62 total entries.]

The name : it’s creator

The Smoothie Maker: Killer Bee
The Rolling Dervish: Wendy Knaub
The Texas Tornado: Eric Keller
Twisted Sister Blister: Vickie Jones
Tossing the Salad: Pia Mess
Bloody Mary Go Round: Darkjester
The Sugar Blender: Miranda “Rosie” Rivera
The Buzz Saw: Susan Chase
The Tilt-A-Whirl: Marcela “Doogie Rouser” Marquez
The Ghetto Bird: Surly Temple
Cross 16: Eva Rodriguez
Renegade Roller Comikaze: Kate Devius
The Dizz Bang: Jeanne Sause Graham
Auntie Gravitational Pull: Stacey Bcubed Duvall
The FoShwivel: Sheri Mahlke
The Whirley Bird: Bryce Allen Fleharty
Luv Circle: Nick Dalai Gleason-Schmuck
Circle Jerk-Roll: Megan Megronomikon Whittaker
Circle Jerks: Shakira Glover
The Kama Spintra: Mel ‘Kit’ Sperduto
Warped Whirl/Socially Spun: Venus Bontadelli
Twirly Whirley: Amber Smith
Spin Cycle: Heidi Garman
Twirlin’ Tacos: Roxie Box
Twista Sista: Teri Minter
Sin Bin Spin: Kristine Baloga
Ring around the Moxis: Jessica Manuel-Lofton
The Hell Spin: McKenzie Hobbs
The Cheeri-O! : Rochelle Belvis
Whirly Girlie: Shelley Doljack
Furl: Gigi Hernandez
Gal-ee-Oop! : Fabian Flores
Sista Twista: Diane Elias
Screw-Driving: Alyson McCoy
The HERicane: Tina Rusher Davis
Twistastic: Weston Keller
Siamese Spin: Valeria Garza
Tango Twirl: Bianca Lowkeen
Moxi Go Round: Meredith Turner
Vomit Comet: Anita Nother
Gypsy Twist: Crystal Schoefer
Booty Fantastic: Destyn Sublett
The Piston: Cannon Doll X
The Spiral Tap: Monica Jimenez
The Revolver: Gato Jimenez
Circle of Destruction: Jessie Schneider
Derby Wedding Ring: Meredith Kasten Zolty
Rad Rotor: Tamara B Nicholson
Side Grinder: Faith Rolls
Twirl O’ Whirl: Karla Kes Smith
Japanese Ninja Bears: Jumbo Jett
2 fukuyup: Dawnell Wickedspeedia Smith
TAZ~maNiaN she devils! : Mele Ke
Cirque du Roller: Zarina Moreno
Mary’s go-round: Jonah Morales
Royal Flush (because Toilet Bowl was too crass!) : Keren Lowell
The Widow Maker: Hector Arias
The Whoretex: Frankie Rogers
Windmill: Coach Kutthroat Kandie
Pinwheel of Death: RD Roxi
Rolleround: Dogula
Whirling Girlish: Richard Simmons

We will announce the winner by the end of August, and there shall be 3 runner up prizes.

Hugs N Shoves!

Friday, August 5, 2011


Last night the top 28 skaters to represent the U.S. in the first ever Roller Derby World Cup were chosen!

Check it out!!! http://derbynewsnetwork.com/2011/08/team_usa_announces_28_skater_roster

Congratulations to:

Amanda Jamitinya (Rocky Mountain)
Atomatrix (Oly)
Bonnie Thunders (Gotham)
Claire D. Way (Boston)
DeRanged (Rocky Mountain)
Donna Matrix (Gotham)
Fisti Cuffs (Gotham)
Frida Beater (Rocky Mountain)
Joy Collision (Charm City)
Juke Boxx (Minnesota)
Juska (Denver)
Little A (Tampa Bay)
Medusa (Minnesota)
Psycho Babble (Rocky Mountain)
Sassy (Oly)
Sexy Slaydie (Gotham)
Shenita Stretcher (Philly)
Smarty Pants (Texas)
Snot Rocket Science (Steel City)
Soulfearic Acid (Rose City)
Suzy Hotrod (Gotham)
Tannibal Lector (Oly)
Teflon Donna (Philly)
Tracy Akers (Denver)
Urkin Jerkin (Rocky Mountain)
V Diva (Dutchland)
Varla Vendetta (Windy City)
White Flight (Rose City)

UPDATE 8/6/2011: Tournament organizer Black Dahlia clarifies that the competitive roster will be 20 skaters, not 28: "The U.S. has a roster of 20 for the actual Cup, just like all the other teams. But there is going to be a U.S. vs. U.S. game on Thursday night to kick off the weekend, and in order to make two teams of 14, they are picking eight extra players who will be taking part in that bout only, not in the Cup. The 28 who were announced represent the total. Rosters are due on September 1st, so the actual Cup team will be set then."

Monday, August 1, 2011

We're extending the contest deadline!

We are extending the deadline for the contest to Win a Pair of Moxi Rollerskates to August 6th!
So smoke a bowl and get to brainstorming!