Welcome, or fuck you, depending.
I'm not here to tell you how many calories you can burn roller skating, I'm here to incite and entertain.
Take me or leave me.

Friday, December 31, 2010

6, 6, 60

Happy ½ Birthday blog!

6 months after posting my first blog on “This is How I Roll”, and now my 60th post, here’s my top 6 blogs. A “Best Hits” if you will.

On Search Engine Optimization

For a long time I wondered why some of these blogs were popular. My make up blog straight up sucks and I’ve never even been to Rollercon. Then I realized that google was actually generating more hits to my blog than any other site. I was surprised. It was then that I learned the acronym SEO, or search engine optimization. (Employers looking for website technical writers like to use this term to weed out wannabes unfamiliar with the lingo). Once I found the stats page that showed top search phrases that directed people to my blog it was quite eye opening. For instance, every week without fail “Roller Derby make up” will be on the top 10 search hits. So will some form of “everything you need to know about roller derby” and “roller derby quotes”. After finding this page I began to understand the traffic coming to my site a lot more and am better able to cater to my audience. For instance, I am going to write a new Roller Derby make up blog, because now that I know so many people want to read about it I am embarrassed by what my page has to offer on the subject. I am also disheartened to think that someone who searches “everything you need to know about roller derby” might stumble upon my “Welcome to roller derby” blog and think it is sufficient. Man, I’ve got some work to do. For those who questioned how in the world I could come up with 10 blogs a month all about roller derby, all I have to do is look at my stats page to come up with ideas. Some of the surprising search terms that have brought people to my site have been,

“how to know when to quit roller derby”
“how to snap when roller skating”
and “quad toe stop reviews”

Keep ‘em coming people.

Countries where they’re reading

The top countries my blog are being read are

The United States
United Kingdom

But they are also reading in


More Documentation

As of right now, (December 31, 2010 at 1:10pm) I’ve had

10,384 total pageviews but I have no clue how to find out how many people are reading. Maybe Bonnie D. can help me.

Anyhoo Thank YOoooOOOOu!

Oh ya, and Happy New Year TooOOooOO!




Saturday, December 25, 2010

Some Christmas Gifts

My facebook page lit up today with statuses from fellow skaters who had a Roller Derby christmas or got skating related gifts.

For instance, my momma got me a new white sweatshirt for night skating! I have perfect little reflective lightning bolt patches I can’t wait to add to the sleeves. Remember kids, when you go out skating it is your responsibility to make sure you don’t die, no one else’s!

Another skating colleague got this fancy hand painted helmet complete with her name and number! I WANT ONE! Nothing says love like unique and artistic hand made gifts from the heart. (Not to mention, it's really well done). Add a roller derby twist to that present and you’ve got yourself a keeper. You actually can get a custom one of your own, check out Joe's website!

Speaking of gifts from the heart, check out this sweet present my friend got! It's an award for Best Skate Teacher.

How thoughtful! She called it ‘her first skating trophy’. (=
Today more than ever I’d like to say, if you have EVER believed in me, even in the tiniest smallest most miniscule amount, from the bottom of my heart, Thank You.

 Merry Christmas! 


Friday, December 24, 2010

Twas the Night Before Christmas

I didn't write this, I'm re-posting it from fellow blogger Elusive Em. Check it out here:

Twas the Night Before Christmas, Derby Style

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the world
it was the off-season for most rollergirls.
Kneepads were slung round their homes without care,
In hopes they could save them by giving them air;
The players were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Championals danced in their heads;
My derby wife gone, I sat down with a beer,
to watch some old bouts to prepare for next year
Just then, there arose such a noise on the lawn
I grabbed a tire iron to see what was going on
I ran to the window expecting a fight,
Tore open the blinds and was floored by the sight.
The moon shining bright in the Christmastime frost
Gave light to a haze of what looked like exhaust.
Were my wondering eyes unprepared for a shocker
of a huge freaking bus full of jammers and blockers,
With a crazy-ass driver, so brimming with pluck,
I knew in a moment it must be Dumptruck.
More rapid than furies the skaters they came,
And he shouted “Skate Forward!” and called them by name;
"Now, Lecter! now Shattered! now, Urrk’n and Teflon!
DeRanged and Vendetta! on, Thunders and Hotrod!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now bash away! bash away! bash away all!"
As dry leaves that fly when a tornado hits
When met with a wall, they jump over that shit,
So off through the houses the skaters they flew,
From the bus full of gear, and Dumptruck came too.
Then all I could hear, at their dizzying rate,
The skipping and juking of each woman’s skate.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Into the house Dumptruck came with a bound.
He was dressed in a towel, from his waist to his knee,
And I prayed it would hold, fearing what I might see;
A bag full of skates he had flung on his back,
And wheels filled his golden lamé fanny pack.
His nip-rings -- they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks half-exposed, his back kind of hairy!
His muttonchops framing the grin that he flashed,
No beard on his chin, but a Hetfield moustache;
I smiled ‘cause I couldn’t help notice the way,
His voice sounded just like a strip club DJ;
When he talks to the girls the inflection is flirty,
He roars when he laughs, and it always sounds dirty.
He was kinda portly, as always, half nude,
Showing the world how his belly’s tattooed;
He winked and I knew I had nothing to fear,
so I reached in the fridge and I tossed him a beer;
He spoke not a word, through the gear bags he whirled
Giving new gear to the good roller girls.
With his fingers he gave me the sign of the goat,
crushed the can with his head, laughter roared from his throat;
He sprang to the bus, to his team gave a shout,
And they swiftly returned, climbed aboard, and peaced out.
But I heard him exclaim, as he guided the pack,
"Happy Christmas to all -- see you out on the track."

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

10 things in 10 Days (and a partridge in a pear tree)

My childhood friend’s kid sister is an avid blogger, (and has a shit ton of followers no less) and did a post similar to this awhile back. The idea is to make one post a day for ten days, but Aly and I both decided to do all ten in one post. The idea reminded me of that 12 days of Christmas poem/song, so- in the same vain, 10 days from Christmas seemed an appropriate time to post this.

Day 1: 10 different things I would like to tell 10 different people

• My parents: Thanks for everything
• My brother: I miss you, let’s make up
• My sisters: Some day…
• Myself: I love you
• My ex: I forgive you, and me.
• Roller Derby: Wait for me!
• My teammates: Thanks for all your love and support
   (I’m counting my parents as two, my sisters as two, 
   and well… that’s 9.)

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

“After you, I insist”

“you first, …no really”

If you have ever seen me jam, you might notice that I often allow the other jammer to take off first from the line when the whistle blows. It’s not cause I’m slow, it’s strategy. For one, I trust my team. I know my blockers won’t let the other jammer through before I get there. Or at least, they’re going to put up a damn good fight on my behalf. If I didn’t have big burly kick-ass women backing me up, I would never be a jammer in the first place. Far too often too much pressure and importance is placed on the jammer. Sure they are the point earner, but without a good pack of blockers their fast feet ain’t shit. So I don’t gun it right out of the gate, there’s no reason to. I conserve my energy. I sit back and let my team do their job: protect me, help me, get me through the pack.

I got published bitchez

Christmas came early this year, I was published in 5 on 5 magazine, the official magazine of the WFTDA! Go get your copy today and turn to page 46, (Issue 10 Winter 2010)!

They published my coverage of the NRDA’s celebration of the 75th Anniversary of Roller Derby in San Francisco back in October. I certainly was not expecting to get a full page so I’m pretty stoked, but I regret that all my friends who contributed photos for the spread were not given photo credit! I am pretty sure that most of them were taken by WrathChild, Kutthroat Kandie and Pirahna Shawna. In addition, Georgia Hase is correctly identified in two of the pictures, but called “Peanuts” in a third. (That was my fault, not 5 on 5’s, sorry peeps).

Read what I originally wrote and submitted to the mag here- and it’s your lucky day- if you do not have a copy of the zine check out a pdf of my feature below.

And finally, if you just can’t get enough- read what The Commissioner had to say about the evening on his blog.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

I am not a role model!

Sometimes I hate (and sometimes love, but this blog is about my distaste for) being a steward of the sport of roller derby everywhere I go.  My skating ability seems to speak for itself in that people are drawn to me at the roller rink, and feel uninhibited asking me questions about skating or roller derby. Usually when it is a precocious child it is adorable. When it is a guy feigning interest in skating in order to talk to me it is an ego boost. When it is a girl who wants to become a roller derby skater I am an enthusiastic helper. When it is an old couple who wants to tell me about the days when they watched roller derby it is charming and sweet, and sometimes downright annoying. YES I know who Ann Calvello was. YES I know who the Bay Bombers are. YES I know they used to do it on a banked track. SHUT UP. Close your god damn mouth and let ME teach YOU something.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

My Roller Derby Bio

My team asked me to write this for our league’s website. I hate writing in third person it’s so pretentious! I thought it’d be an easy blog to post, and if there are people navigating to our league website who want to read this, there might be one or two people here who wouldn’t mind seeing it either. So here you go:

 (This was a feature in my
college newspaper: The Orion)

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Pads and Sizing

Check out the difference between these two girls’ elbow and wrist guards. One looks like she has a good 6 or 7 inches of skin showing between. The other has none. Which is correct?

 Any ladies out there hate bikinis that are sold as a set? Just because my ass can fit into a large doesn’t mean these itty bitty titties can fill out that large triangle top. When I was younger I thought selling two piece bathing suits separately was a ploy for companies to charge more for a swimsuit, (and it is) but I am also grateful that I can get a large bottoms and a small top without having to pull some Ross-style tag switching antics in the dressing room.

The same should ring true for protective gear. This next part just makes good sense. Not all women are built the same when it comes to swim suits, and the same is true for roller derby skaters. You see, we all got big fucking legs. Big, muscley, bear thighs- and I’m sorry but marketing pads so that all medium knee and all medium elbow pads are bundled together is at the least, just poor marketing strategy and worse- shitty foresight with a lack of expert input and consultation from real skaters in the corporate office.