Welcome, or fuck you, depending.
I'm not here to tell you how many calories you can burn roller skating, I'm here to incite and entertain.
Take me or leave me.

Monday, March 21, 2011


That I'm good at it.

Period. Bar None. Case Closed.

No, seriously. I don't care if that sounds cocky, a guy asked me this recently and instantly and without reserve I blurted that out. It was the first thing I thought of and it's true.

I love roller skating. I love the speed. I love how it makes me feel like dancing even though I hate dancing. There's nothing that puts a shit eating grin on my face more. The other day while soaring down a hill I declared aloud, "You know, I think this probably feels more like flying than ACTUALLY flying an air plane!" I dig it more than anything.

But my favorite thing about ROLLER DERBY? Easy. I reign.

Oh sure, I'm not the best there is. I know that. I'm not even the big fish in a little pond anymore, I get that. Roller Derby is evolving and what with junior derby getting more popular, there's plenty of 16 year old up and comers poised to take my spot. But in my life? In my own personal judgment room? It's what I'm best at. Compared to ME.

I'm #1!

I've always been second chair flute. I played in the 'B' Jazz band all four years of high school, a source of feeling personal failure for years. I often would step outside my comfort zone to audition to play in the pit for school musicals or to be a part of the Winter Percussion ensemble only to be the one kid who was excluded. My competition civics team never made it past regionals. I was mediocre at best as a gymnast, which I quit when it became evident I was not going to show any god given talent in the arena. I don't think I ever made honor roll, and I was never an athlete. I was the kid picked last in P.E. this is not a literary tactic to earn your pity, but a cold hard fact.

But Roller Derby? I fucking reign supreme.

All those years of not doing my homework so I could rollerblade with the boys after school paid off. All those years of being called a fruit booter and having strangers yell derogatory things at me as I practiced jumps and curbs in the school parking lot, all those years of ridicule? They paid off baby. Now I can kick your ass at roller derby.

All too often an eager would-be skater asks me questions at the rink- they want quick tips. "How can I do (such and such trick) quicker?" "How can I learn to (do some trick) like you?" I'm sorry but I don't have the answer for you any more than I have the magic pill or diet plan to help you shed 30 pounds.

I don't care how many pairs of booty shorts and striped socks you bought at hot topic, they won't buy you 15+ years of experience.

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