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Sunday, February 27, 2011

My skates suck!

Let me just start off by saying that my skates suck. There is nothing about my skates that I like. At the very least, the boot is painful to the point of causing physical harm to my feet. At the worst, the plates are a danger to all skaters and should be recalled.

Let me explain. Oh you know I will. I’m a skater at heart (Roller blader to be specific). But still, I didn’t join roller derby to become a roller derby skater. I joined roller derby to have an outlet through which to skate. So, I have always chosen my skates and equipment based on comfort, period. I don’t adhere to what others say because I don’t need to. I do fine on my own.

But sometimes there is no denying that a change in equipment will improve your skating. You see, you reach plateaus when learning anything, and sometimes it does make sense to up your game by investing in better quality stuff. So even though I had my Carreras for 4 years, and I loved them, and they fit like sneakers to me, I thought the time had come for me to get new wheels.

So I did something stupid. I listened to other people. I got the Wicked package, (which comes with a 265 boot and PowerDyne DynaPro Aluminum plates). First of all, the boot is the most god awful foot trap ever. They’re leather, so you’re told they’re going to break in. Or then someone tells you you have to put insoles in them, or wear two pairs of socks. Face it ladies, these boots suck.

I never had to put insoles in my Carreras. Heck, I could wear nothing but fishnets with my Carreras and my feet were FINE. But my Wickeds? They blister my feet like CRAZY. And the “wider” toe box that’s advertised? I think it’s slowly crushing my pinky toe bone. I would post a picture of my foot, but that’s just gross.

So for those of you who think this may be a personal problem, let’s move on to a more concrete issue. THE PLATES. Now, please read what happened to me, before going any further because it really is very pertinent.

I have to say that since I posted that, I have run into three separate people who have had THIS VERY THING happen to them WITH THE SAME PLATES. There is no way it is a coincidence, and there is no way there are not more incidents like it. I brushed over how I thought Riedell’s response time with spare parts was suspiciously fast and without question in the second blog I wrote about my skates, but now I’m almost sure they know they have a casting problem.

Either way, it’s fuckin’ unsafe and I’m getting new skates. I bought these last May so it’s lame to the max that they didn’t even make it a year, but shit yo- dental work is expensive and I just can’t afford to have that happen. I decided last night: I HAVE to get new skates.

Now, too many people who DID join roller derby to become roller derby skaters sit back and make excuses for their crappy equipment. Because hey, these skates cost 400 smackers, who wants to admit it was a poor purchase. But they are. And too often skaters do not demand better manufacturing because they simply don’t know any better. But I am here to tell you, these skates? You can do better.



  1. The boots remind me of a story Steve Martin wrote that goes a little something like this...


    Anna knew She had to have a new pair of shoes today, and Carlo had helped her try on every pair in the store. Carlo spoke wearily, "Well, that's it. That’s every pair of shoes in the place."
    "Oh, you must have one more pair. . . .”
    "No, not one more . . . . Well, we have the cruel shoes, but no one would want to try . . .
    “Yes, let me see the cruel shoes!"
    "No, you don't understand, you see, the cruel shoes are . . .'
    "Get them!"
    Carlo disappeared into the back room for a moment, and then reappeared carrying an ordi­nary shoebox. He took off the lid and re­moved a hideous pair of black and white pumps. But this was not an ordinary pair of black and white pumps; both were left feet, one had a right angle turn with sepa­rate compartments that pointed the toes in impossible directions. The other shoe was six inches long and was curved inward like a rocking chair with a vise and razor blades to hold the foot in place.
    Carlo spoke hesitantly, ". . . Now you see . . . they' re not fit for humans . . ." "Put them on me."
    "But... "Put them on me!"
    Carlo knew all arguments were useless. He knelt down before her and forced the feet into the shoes.
    The screams were incredible.
    Anna crawled over to the mirror and held her bloody feet up where she could see.
    "I like them."
    She paid Carlo and crawled out of the store into the street.
    Later that day, Carlo was overheard saying to a new customer, "Well, that's it. That’s every pair of shoes in the place. Unless, of course, you'd like to try the cruel shoes."

  2. Bloody Fucking Brilliant! I like it Jeff! Thanks.