What the hell am I doing with my life?

 (Ya this blog is going to have absolutely no content, sorry)

The other day my boss said to me, “You need to start thinking about work as much as you think about Roller Derby, unless that is -you want to get paid for Roller Derby. It feels like we talk more about Roller Derby than work.” Are you kidding? OF COURSE I want to get paid for Roller Derby. Who wouldn’t?! It would be a lot easier to start thinking about work as much as I think about Roller Derby if only I could just find a way to make Roller Derby my work. DUH.

And now I receive a text message from my boss that reads, “So, what is your goal for today?” to which I very honestly reply, “Good question!” -Not really what a boss wants to hear but I can’t help it. I have a self-propelled job, and every day I am torn between trying to make money, and trying to make my dreams come true. To be fair, I know in the back of my mind I feel that trying to make my dreams come true WILL make me money, …some day.

So ya- for those who don’t know, (I don’t know why you would) I just ended a four-year relationship. As I embrace the inevitable change, lots of other doors seem to be opening in every aspect of my life. It now seems obvious that all I needed was to view things in a refreshing new light in order to see the many opportunities that were already before me. I can’t overlook the fact that now I have my own team and after all, isn’t that all I’ve ever wanted?

Sigh.

It’s not enough! It never is.

Everything happened so fast. We did not contact any leagues, and within 2 months we had 6 bouts scheduled for 2011. All we had to do was make a facebook page and all of a sudden other leagues who were just starting out from all over the state materialized and my inbox was full with requests to bout. It was all kind of overwhelming and very exciting at first, and now I realize- a ball and chain. Hey you know me, out with one obligation I am betrothed to and in with another, i.e. East Bay Roller Derby. Do I just not feel comfortable without stability? Who knows what would have happened if EBRD didn’t exist when I flew the relationship coop, I’d probably be in the fucking Peace Corps right now.

I should do that. I should join the Peace Corps.

…AHHH!!! What the hell am I doing with my life?!?!?

 

The last time I felt this way was about 8 years ago when I had 3 schools to choose between for school, (CSUs Sacramento, Fresno and Chico. You tell me: which would you have chosen?) When making the decision I remember that I was overcome, completely consumed and burdened, with the heavy weight of the fact that whatever decision I made would shape who I was, forever. Every adult I sought advice and guidance from would assure me that I was over thinking it, and whatever school I ended up choosing would be fine, and end up the right choice- regardless of whether or not I could envision the outcome then. And for the most part they were right, that was true. I’d still have an education and I’d still be me; Fresno, Sacramento or Chico graduate. But I still know I am who I am today because I made that choice. I picked a path, and it shaped me. I met my boyfriend Roller Derby while I was in college there, (haha) so- it was a very important crossroads in my life. 

Now, I have that feeling again. I feel like whatever choice I make next is going to be instrumental in the years to come- so I better choose wisely. The difference between now and then is now I don’t know what the hell I am choosing from. But I do go forward into the future with a confidence I didn’t have when entering college  -that everything WILL be alright, and the choice I make- whatever it is- will be the right one (because it has to be). I don’t have that paralyzing fear anymore that I’m somehow going to fuck up my life. The only really good things that have happened in my life have come out of risk taking, so I think I’ll take some.

But what to do, which risk to take?

For a little while longer at least, I will do nothing. 

On The Secret and manifesting your future: [If you are familiar with The Secret great, if not I am not about to explain the law of attraction to you.] Where I am now is completely a manifestation of what I have been telling myself for years: I was born to do roller derby. It is also proof of my personal mantra that I have been yelling in the face of every set back from day one: Ain’t nobody gunna keep me from skating, no way no how! And today, those things still remain true and a part of me. Consciously or not, those beliefs appear to be leading me to where I need to go.

But get this: my own sister “Unliked” my roller derby personality Auntie Social on facebook recently. Let me clarify, I have a personal facebook account, and a separate fan page for my skating persona. After a week or more of comments from my sister complaining that I am grossly self absorbed and out of touch with reality and need to stop posting updates about skating, my blog and myself, she made the final decision to Dislike Auntie and Unfollow my blog. (Oo- The Ultimate Dis! Haha).

Do I really need to explain to my own sister what a fan page is? I mean really.

Or MAYBE- I do need to partake in some self-reflection and take my family member’s words to heart. Maybe I AM obsessed with myself. Maybe I DO need to feel worshipped.

But where is the fine line? When does me manifesting my dreams with absolute confidence stop and being a self-absorbed asshole start? Can I be a self-absorbed asshole who is also manifesting my dreams? …Am I self-absorbed asshole?

 

Recently my dad brought to my attention Tim Tebow, an athlete who is known for inscribing bible verses in his eye black when playing football. The particular verse that was controversial and worthy of discussion to us was Ephesians 2:8-10. If you read it, the scripture advises that one should basically give all the glory to god- and no one can be wholly responsible for their success, as it was god’s making. My dad and I laughed at the notable irony -for the athlete to paint such scripture on his face- and we both agreed that the guy was a pious asshole.

Later I brought the issue up with a friend of mine who watches a lot of sports. When I expressed my apparent disgust at the guy’s feigned humility he shrugged and said “I don’t know. I don’t think it’s wrong for him to have that on his face. Maybe that is an issue he really struggles with on a day to day basis.”

I was shocked. I thought he was joking.  How does one struggle with trying not to be too arrogant? And if one does, how the hell do they then turn around and paint a bible verse on their god damn face telling people not to boast?! It seems absolutely contrary to me.

But then I got in a fight with my sister about how self-absorbed having a blog is and having a fan page for my roller derby persona and I re-evaluated Tim Tebow. There is a fine line between marketing and being in the public eye, and too much self-promotion. I still wouldn’t paint Ephesians 2:8-10 on my face, but I’ll cut Tebow some slack.

 

Anyhow- my web log serves as a little sliver of the big picture- of my dream. How is my dream self-absorbed? It’s possible I’m just too consumed with myself to see it, but I view it as unyielding determination, complete dedication. I’m going to continue with my 10 posts a month, with the continued belief that it is somehow benefiting me, and keep the dream alive. I mean, it says right at the top I’m not here to please: Welcome, or Fuck You. My blog has already introduced me to so many wonderful and amazing people, (seriously! Shout out J. Seltz!) and because of the connections I have made through it, THIS IS HOW I ROLL is taking me to L.A. next weekend. Maybe along the way it will lead me to where I need to go, somehow...

I just need more TIME.

 [I've got an idea]

 

So in honor of my self absorbedness, (or utter self confidence- whichever you prefer), I am introducing Self Portrait Sundays.  I wont do it every Sunday, but I think over time it could end up being an interesting album, like the Many Moods of Sunday or something. Anyway, not only will it represent different feelings based on what I am doing that weekend, but it will show what I look like as I change. I saw a website where some guy took a picture of himself every day for 9 years or something. Kinda OCD, but the end-all effect was neat. I was going to include some pictures I had snapped of myself that I found on my phone, but decided it could only be a true Self Portrait Sunday if all the pictures were actually taken today, Sunday November 7^th, 2010- and they were. This is me, today. 

  

This one is entitled:

"I'ma Getcha!"

 

 

 

And I like to call this one:“ ‘Trait Wit’ Kit ”