(Ya this blog is going to have absolutely no content, sorry)
The other day my boss said to me, “You need to start thinking about work as much as you think about Roller Derby, unless that is -you want to get paid for Roller Derby. It feels like we talk more about Roller Derby than work.” Are you kidding? OF COURSE I want to get paid for Roller Derby. Who wouldn’t?! It would be a lot easier to start thinking about work as much as I think about Roller Derby if only I could just find a way to make Roller Derby my work. DUH.
And now I receive a text message from my boss that reads, “So, what is your goal for today?” to which I very honestly reply, “Good question!” -Not really what a boss wants to hear but I can’t help it. I have a self-propelled job, and every day I am torn between trying to make money, and trying to make my dreams come true. To be fair, I know in the back of my mind I feel that trying to make my dreams come true WILL make me money, …some day.
So ya- for those who don’t know, (I don’t know why you would) I just ended a four-year relationship. As I embrace the inevitable change, lots of other doors seem to be opening in every aspect of my life. It now seems obvious that all I needed was to view things in a refreshing new light in order to see the many opportunities that were already before me. I can’t overlook the fact that now I have my own team and after all, isn’t that all I’ve ever wanted?
Sigh.
It’s not enough! It never is.
Everything happened so fast. We did not contact any leagues, and within 2 months we had 6 bouts scheduled for 2011. All we had to do was make a facebook page and all of a sudden other leagues who were just starting out from all over the state materialized and my inbox was full with requests to bout. It was all kind of overwhelming and very exciting at first, and now I realize- a ball and chain. Hey you know me, out with one obligation I am betrothed to and in with another, i.e. East Bay Roller Derby. Do I just not feel comfortable without stability? Who knows what would have happened if EBRD didn’t exist when I flew the relationship coop, I’d probably be in the fucking Peace Corps right now.
I should do that. I should join the Peace Corps.
…AHHH!!! What the hell am I doing with my life?!?!?
The last time I felt this way was about 8 years ago when I had 3 schools to choose between for school, (CSUs Sacramento, Fresno and Chico. You tell me: which would you have chosen?) When making the decision I remember that I was overcome, completely consumed and burdened, with the heavy weight of the fact that whatever decision I made would shape who I was, forever. Every adult I sought advice and guidance from would assure me that I was over thinking it, and whatever school I ended up choosing would be fine, and end up the right choice- regardless of whether or not I could envision the outcome then. And for the most part they were right, that was true. I’d still have an education and I’d still be me; Fresno, Sacramento or Chico graduate. But I still know I am who I am today because I made that choice. I picked a path, and it shaped me. I met my boyfriend Roller Derby while I was in college there, (haha) so- it was a very important crossroads in my life.
Now, I have that feeling again. I feel like whatever choice I make next is going to be instrumental in the years to come- so I better choose wisely. The difference between now and then is now I don’t know what the hell I am choosing from. But I do go forward into the future with a confidence I didn’t have when entering college -that everything WILL be alright, and the choice I make- whatever it is- will be the right one (because it has to be). I don’t have that paralyzing fear anymore that I’m somehow going to fuck up my life. The only really good things that have happened in my life have come out of risk taking, so I think I’ll take some.
But what to do, which risk to take?